Finding Peace in the Holidays - How To Work On Ourselves
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and warmth. However, for many, it also brings heightened stress due to family conflict. Unresolved dynamics, clashing personalities, and unmet expectations can turn a season of peace into one of emotional turmoil. Instead of attempting to change family members, the key to holiday harmony lies in working on ourselves. By establishing boundaries, practicing acceptance, and shifting our internal expectations, we can experience more meaningful and peaceful interactions.
Setting Boundaries
One of the most powerful strategies for reducing holiday conflict is setting healthy personal boundaries. Boundaries are essential for protecting mental well-being, managing emotional energy, and ensuring respectful interactions. Brené Brown is known for saying, "clear is kind, unclear is unkind". According to Brooten-Brooks, LMFT (Very Well Health, 2024), clearly communicating your boundaries allows others to understand your limits. For instance, if long family dinners are emotionally exhausting, it is entirely reasonable to set a time limit for your visit. Boundaries can also be emotional, such as declining to engage in conversations about divisive topics like politics or religion. Research has demonstrated that self-imposed boundaries reduce emotional exhaustion and improve interpersonal relationships. Practicing and asserting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, but over time it establishes a firm foundation for maintaining mental peace.
Radical Acceptance
Another critical strategy for achieving peace during holiday gatherings is the practice of radical acceptance—the idea of accepting people as they are, rather than wishing for them to change. Often, family conflict stems from unmet expectations or the belief that family members should "know better" or behave differently. Radical acceptance, a concept rooted in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), teaches us to fully acknowledge the reality of a situation rather than resist it. Marsha Linehan (American Journal of Psychotherapy, 2015), the developer of DBT, emphasized that accepting people and circumstances as they are reduces emotional suffering. For example, if an outspoken uncle has a pattern of making inappropriate comments, acceptance allows you to anticipate his behavior without being caught off guard. Instead of waiting for him to change, you can shift your expectations and choose how you will respond. This mindset shift reduces the emotional burden that comes with wishing others were different.
Changing Our Internal Dialogue
In addition to boundary-setting and acceptance, changing our internal dialogue is crucial for maintaining peace during holiday gatherings. In an article by Kristin Neff (Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2011) on self-compassion shows that our internal thoughts directly impact our well-being. Often, the internal dialogue during family events is one of frustration, such as "Why does she always do that?" or "Why can’t he just be quiet for once?" These thoughts increase anxiety, especially when the desired change never happens. Instead, self-compassionate thinking encourages phrases like, "I don’t have to agree with everything she says," or "It’s not my job to change him." Shifting to this mindset allows for emotional detachment from other people's behavior. It also prevents rumination, which has been found to be a key predictor of stress. Mindfulness techniques, such as recognizing and labeling thoughts without judgment, can help disrupt this cycle. This internal shift grants peace regardless of how other people behave (Stress Health, 2021).
Holistic Tips
Holistic wellness strategies can further support the internal work of boundary-setting, acceptance, and shifting thoughts. Techniques such as acupuncture, meditation, and breathwork provide physical and emotional grounding. Acupuncture, for instance, has been shown to reduce anxiety by modulating the body's hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which is responsible for the stress response (Frontiers of Molecular Neuroscience, 2023). Ear seeding, a technique that applies small seeds to specific pressure points on the ear, can promote calmness and emotional regulation. Breathwork practices, such as diaphragmatic breathing, stimulate the vagus nerve, which lowers heart rate and promotes a "rest-and-digest" state (Systematic review, 2019). Incorporating these techniques into daily self-care routines provides a buffer of calm that carries into family gatherings. When individuals arrive at family events feeling centered, grounded, and calm, they are less likely to be reactive to conflict triggers. This holistic preparation is a proactive way to "fill your emotional cup" before dealing with family stressors.
Take-Home Points:
The key to peace during holiday family gatherings is not in changing other people but in changing ourselves. Through boundary-setting, radical acceptance, and reworking our internal dialogue, we cultivate emotional resilience. Techniques such as acupuncture, mindfulness, and breathwork help support this mental transformation. Instead of wishing for others to change, we learn to accept them as they are, and in doing so, we regain control over our emotional state. By focusing on self-growth, we create the capacity for genuine connection and compassion. As the holidays approach, the most powerful gift we can give ourselves is peace of mind—regardless of how others behave.